The "Are You Fuming With Me?" Feeling: A Deep Dive into Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD).
- Abbey Brocklehurst
- Apr 5
- 4 min read
Hi, its me again with my ADHD ramblings that no one probably reads, but if you do grab a brew because we need to have a proper heart to heart.
If you’re anything like me with a brain that’s basically a browser with 47 tabs open, three of them playing music you cant remember the name of, and one occasionally screaming that you've forgot to put the washing machine on AGAIN. You’ll know that having ADHD isn’t just about losing your keys for the fifth time today. It’s the emotional side of it that’s the real kicker. Specifically, the absolute nightmare known as Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). RSD is that sudden, soul crushing feeling that someone usually someone you actually like is absolutely fuming with you or hates you for no apparent reason.
The Mystery of the "Tone of Voice"
We’ve all been there. You’re having a boss day, feeling amazing, maybe you’ve even managed to put a wash on. Then, you ask your mate or your partner a simple question, like, "What’s for tea?" and they reply, "Pasta." Just "Pasta." No exclamation mark in the text. No "Cant wait" at the end. Just... Pasta. To a neurotypical brain, that’s an answer. To an ADHD brain with RSD? That’s them being funny with you, thats them having a problem. Thats the maybe ive done or said something wrong. Its here where we convise ourselves that everyone hates us and we are the problem.
It sounds dramatic, I know. My neurotypical mates are always like, "it’s not that deep!" But that’s the thing with RSD, it is that deep. It’s physical. It feels like a punch to the gut because someone’s tone of voice shifted by about 0.5 decibels.
What Actually is RSD? (The Sciencey Bit, But Brief)
I won’t bore you with a textbook, but it’s worth knowing why our brains do this. People with ADHD have nervous systems that is easily deregulated. We don't have a filter for emotional input. While most people can go, "Oh, they're probably just tired," our brains bypass logic and go straight to "they hate us". Because our brains struggle to regulate dopamine, we also struggle to regulate the "ouch" factor of social rejection. It’s not just "being sensitive." It’s an extreme emotional pain triggered by the perception not even necessarily the reality that we’ve been rejected, criticised, or teased.
We are world class experts at reading the room because we’ve spent our whole lives being told we’re "too much," "too loud," or "not trying hard enough," we are constantly scanning for signs that people are fed up with us. Especially us that was late diagnosed.
When someone’s tone changes maybe they’re just stressed about work or they’ve got a toothache our RSD interprets that slight sharpness as they are being off with us.
The Internal Meltdown: A Play in Three Acts
Let’s look at how an RSD episode actually plays out in the wild.
Act 1: The Trigger
You’re chatting away, being your usual bubbly self. You make a joke. It doesn’t land. There’s a three second silence. Or worse, someone gives you "the look." You know the one.
Act 2: The Spiral
Your brain starts the "Evidence Folder." It begins pulling up every mistake you’ve made since 2012. “Remember when you forgot her birthday?” “They’re only friends with you because they feel sorry for you.”
Act 3: The Response
This is where it gets messy. We usually do one of two things:
The People Pleaser: We go into overdrive trying to "fix" it. "Are you okay? Are you sure? Did I say something? Are you angry with me? I’ll buy us...." (Pro-tip: This usually annoys the person more if they were actually just tired).
The Hedgehog: We go "Right, sound then," and withdraw completely. We decide we’re never speaking to them again to save them the trouble of rejecting us. We’ve ended the friendship in our heads before we've given them a chance to reassure us that everything is ok.
Living with the "Emotional Sunburn"
Having RSD is like having emotional sunburn. Everything touches you more than it should, and even a light breeze feels like a slap. I’ve spent years thinking I was just "weak" or "dramatic." But once I realised it was part of my ADHD, it was like someone finally handed me the manual. I’m not "crazy" for feeling like my heart is breaking because someone didn't use an emoji; my brain is just wired to protect me from rejection at all costs even when there isn’t any.
So, how do we stop ourselves from spiralling every time someone sounds a bit "off"? It’s hard, but it’s possible.
The "Check the Facts" Rule: If I feel that familiar sting, I try to ask myself: Do I have actual evidence they are angry with me, or is it just a vibe? 99% of the time, it’s just a vibe.
Be Brave and Ask: Sometimes I just have to say, "Look, I’m having an ADHD moment are we ok? Your tone felt a bit sharp and my brain is telling me you’re fuming."
The 24-Hour Rule: If I’m convinced everyone hates me, I try not to make any big decisions (like removing everyone off my social media) for 24 hours. Usually, after a sleep and a bit of dopamine, the world looks a lot less hostile.
To My Fellow ADHD Readers...
If you’re reading this and thinking, "Oh my god, that’s me," please know you’re not a alone and you’re not "too much." You’ve just got a heart that’s a bit more exposed than everyone else’s. Our sensitivity is also our superpower. It’s why we’re the funniest in the room, why we’re so empathetic, and why we’re the first person to notice when a mate is actually down. We feel the bad stuff intensely, but we feel the good stuff, the laughs, the music, the best moments ten times harder too.
So, the next time someone’s tone of voice makes you want to curl up in a ball and disappear? Take a breath. Remind yourself that your brain is a fucken lier sometimes. You’re still loved, and honestly? They probably just really wanted that pasta.
Keep your chin up, love. You’re smashing it!
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