AuDHD: The Bit No One Talks About: From a Therapist Who Lives With It

There’s a version of AuDHD that gets talked about online the relatable memes, the colour coded planners (which i have far to many of), the “I forgot my keys again” humour. But then there’s the bit no one really talks about, the parts that on some days feel impossible to manage.

The contradictions. The exhaustion. The internal tug of war. I’m writing this not just as a therapist who works with neurodivergent clients, but as a therapist with AuDHD. I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD at age 30 after having a misdiagnosis of BPD for around ten years (which is a whole other blog post in itself! ). The diagnosis didn't just give me answers, it gave me context, compassion and a language for the experiences i had that always felt confusing and intense.

So this blog is for the people who feel like walking contradictions. The ones who look capable but feel overwhelmed. The ones who have spent years wondering, “Why can’t I just be consistent?” Let’s talk about the bit no one talks about.

First, What Is AuDHD?

AuDHD is an informal term used to describe the co-occurrence of Autism and ADHD. They are two distinct neurotypes, but they frequently overlap.

Autism can bring:

• A need for predictability

• Sensory sensitivity

• Deep focus and special interests

• Social processing differences

• Strong internal values

ADHD can bring:

• Dopamine seeking behaviour

• Impulsivity

• Difficulty with sustained attention

• Restlessness

• Emotional intensity

  
  

When you live with both, it isn’t a neat blend, it can feel like two different regulatory systems trying to drive the same nervous system. For me its a internal tug of war.

The Sensory Contradiction: Under Stimulated and Overwhelmed

One of the most confusing AuDHD experiences is sensory regulation. You might throw on some heavy music because your brain feels painfully under stimulated. ADHD can make low stimulation feel physically uncomfortable, restless, agitated, itchy. You need input, noise, movement. But then the seam in your sock feels unbearable. The big light is too bright (us neurospicy people love a good lamp over a ceiling light). Someone chewing makes your shoulders tense and you feel like you want to scream. Going the shop, feels like a battlefield. Autism can heighten sensory processing. Certain textures, sounds, lights, and smells aren’t mild irritations they’re amplified. So you can be craving stimulation and overwhelmed by it at the same time. That isn’t dramatic. It’s a nervous system struggling to find a balance.

The Social Script Glitch

ADHD can make you impulsive in conversation. You blurt out what you want to say before you forget it. You overshare. You interrupt without meaning to. You follow the excitement of connection. Then later, your autistic brain replays the entire interaction in every detail.

Did I say too much? Was that inappropriate? Did I miss a cue? Did they look uncomfortable? You can overshare at 2pm on a Monday and over analyse it until Friday.

The thing is one neurotype (the ADHD) acts quickly; the other (the Autism) craves precision and social clarity. The result can be days of rumination over a five minute conversation. Sometimes i still think about conversations years later.

The Plan Paradox

This one is huge for me. Your autistic side thrives on predictability as structure reduces anxiety. A routine conserves cognitive energy. So you create the perfect planner. The perfect morning routine. You have every intention of starting that class at the gym, that plan of meal prepping for the week. It feels calming, grounding, hopeful....then your ADHD loses interest the moment novelty fades.

You follow it for three days, maybe five if you’re lucky. Then it feels suffocating, boring, restrictive. You abandon it. From the outside, it looks inconsistent. From the inside, it’s two different regulatory needs competing. One needs structure to feel safe. The other needs novelty to feel engaged, creating this neurological tension.

High-Functioning Burnout

Many adults with AuDHD especially women and late diagnosed individuals become exceptional maskers. One side compensates for the other. ADHD spontaneity is tightly managed. Autistic social confusion is patched over with rehearsed scripts. You learn how to appear "capable", which is one of the reasons sometimes our traits aren't picked up on till later in life.

You might:

• Be the reliable one at work

• Meet deadlines (through adrenaline)

• Maintain friendships (through over effort)

• Appear confident socially

  
  

But underneath, you are running constant manual override. Eye contact is deliberate. Conversations are monitored and scripted. Sensory discomfort is suppressed. Executive dysfunction is hidden behind last minute sprints. Burnout in AuDHD isn’t just being tired. It can look like:

• Loss of skills

• Increased sensory sensitivity

• Emotional dysregulation

• Withdrawal

• Inability to initiate basic tasks

  
  

It’s not laziness. It’s neurological exhaustion read my other blog on “But you didn't act this way before…”: The Truth About Late-Diagnosis Burnout if you want to hear more.

Feeling wired and Tired at the Same Time

Another contradiction people don’t talk about is being drained but unable to rest. Like your body has had enough of the day but your brain mentally cant rest. Your autism may crave low input, quiet, predictability. But your ADHD may crave stimulation, novelty, dopamine. So you lie on the sofa, exhausted but doom scrolling on your phone for hours. Feeling wired and tired simultaneously. Your body wants rest but your brain wants input which usually for a lot of us with ADHD happens just as we want to go asleep! Again to quote my own blog you can read more about there on The "Great Sleep Struggle": Why the ADHD Brain Won't Switch Off

Final Thoughts (if you made it this far)

I don’t disclose a lot of my experiences lightly, but I share it because it matters in raising awareness. In my therapy room, you are not reduced to a label. Whether you’re diagnosed, self identifying, questioning, or just exploring we look at your patterns with curiosity, not criticism. Healing often begins when shame reduces and thats why am so open about my diagnosis.

If any of this resonates, I want you to hear this clearly. You are not "lazy", "dramatic", or "failing at being a adult". You are navigating a world built for a different operating system.

When you understand your wiring, you can start working with it instead of against it. To understand them and develop ways of managing them.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading

From your neurospicy therapist

Abbey x